Masks

So as some of you know the election began today as some of you know, but for the ones that do not know the official TWUSA president campaigning began today. Now the reason this title says being tentative is because I am scared about this becoming a competition. I know I have talked this before but today it hit me hard today. This is because today I started to see people putting on masks and also Mars Hill started an online poll. But let me talk about this mask idea. Gabi a friend of mine talked about this on her blog and it go me thinking about the type of mask I put on and the ones people put on around me. I like to normally commend myself for not having different masks that I put on (although my family would like it maybe if I matured a little more around my family). But I still suffer from putting on masks.

One of the first masks that I put on is this mask of competition or sales. I saw it today when I was walking through the dorms at TWU. I walked into a friends room and he asked me to show him what I did when I did cold calling. So we set up this scenario where I walked out of the room and I got into my 'character' and would cold call there dorm. What cold calling is, is basically asking someone if they want a service or to buy something. Well as I walked out of the door I just focused and changed into this character and put this mask on. I turned back, knocked on the door and I was a completely different person. They rejected and I had to rebuttal. I could not even tell you what I said, or what went on because once I snapped back into reality and was back to normal. It is a weird things these masks we put on because this is one of the masks/characters I step into which is interesting.

The other mask I put on is masks of security. Which is where I show that I am confident, secure and the man. Well frankly I find myself putting this mask on a lot more when I get nervous, out of my comfort zone and concerned. I noticed that I have put this on lately because I have been extremely nervous lately. I normally never admit when I am out of my comfort zone or nervous. But I am admitting that these last few days with elections coming up I have been nervous and uncomfortable. Weird eh? After this blog and sharing my life pretty much online I can still get nervous. I was nervous this week because I knew I had to put myself out there. I had to put my name out, what I believe in and what I stand for. Furthermore people get to vote on whether or not they think you are right.  This gets me nervous!

We will find out how this election goes I just have to remember to be me. I do not intend of changing any of my actions because this is who I am. I am not going to pretend to be someone I am not, try not to over promise anything and follow the same routine I do everyday. The greatest thing I want to be able to say after this election is that I, Christian Sawka did not change anything about myself while running. That would be the happiest thing for me. I am going to try and stay away from putting on a mask, we will see and hopefully I can stay strong.

Goodbye for now,
Christian Sawka

Where I FAIL

My name is Christian Sawka, and maybe one thing I did not make clear in my last point was how much I struggle with saying one thing and doing another. After someone commented I realize I did not post exactly how much this is a fail of mine. No one reading this can say I am being too hard upon myself or say I should not be so hard on myself. Where I let myself down often and the people around me is that I say one thing and do a completely different thing. I am working on this I am not perfect and it takes times. I have this fear of never being good enough and do not think that I am good enough often and will lie about anything to make myself look better. I am getting better at catching myself and promising less but by no means am I a good example. There are people in my life I respect the people I respect at the people who saying what they are going to do and do it no excuses, no blame they take the responsibility. I want to become that man but I am not there yet and it will take me some time till I believe that I am there. Here is three examples of my life where I have really messed up because I over promised or did not lead by example.

RA was the first example of this we get these reviews from the guys in our dorm and all mine were solid except the biggest criticism across the bored I got was this. He does not lead by example rather he leads by just his words and his actions does not follow. I played it off as nothing in my RA year just saying well it is not that big of deal because I did not thing it was. History has shown that I am a decent talker, I am decent at selling, talking to girls and convincing people I am something I am not. Well this came up in RA when people were with me all the time and started to realize two things just did not add up, I would preach something on Thursday night and then not live it out in my own life during the week. How do you respect that man? I do not respect those people why should they respect me. I really hope for the majority of people who actually read my blog have picked up on the fact that I struggle with it. I talk about it the most about how people like that bug me, how I HATE people who do that, and how you should not be like that. It is because I am like that, I am getting better I am promising nothing I cannot accomplish and I am trying to stick too that. Often if you ask people which people bug them they will describe the qualities about themselves they do not like because those are the people we do not like, OURSELVES.

Second was my business, I was in the business of sales and they convinced me that I was the best and could do everything. Well that is not true I over promised all the time and sold stuff to people based upon this magical great painting company and business owner that was perfect. I ran a student painting franchise with student painters we are not professional painters but I stood there and told people that we were. I got into alot of trouble for over promising services, quality and my commitment. It got me into this VAST amount of trouble as any of the people that worked near me. Eventually I corrected myself by the end but by that time it was too late and I was in hot water. Do you want to know why I did that? It was because I did not think I as an owner was good enough, I did not think my company was the best company and I did not think we could offer the best value. I over compensated for the fact and tried to promise these crazy things that could not be done. I struggle with this and let me tell you I was a good forger/lier I did well for myself being dishonest but the scariest thing was I did not realize I was being dishonest this entire time. I made myself believe that in fact this was true, I was the best, I am the greatest but you know what I am not at all?

Thirdly, was going into TWUSA this year and my personal life. I went in knowing I have all these problems but I hid them I told people that I was great, I was going to do all these amazing things and change the world. But how can someone change the world when they cannot even change themselves? I was not happy with who I was so I pretend to be something more then I could ever be. I took on more then I should have while I was struggling in school. I told everyone even my teachers that I was doing GREAT! but I was not I was hating coming to school, hating getting up but I still pretended and did not lead by the example I wanted to. There would have been a lot more respect for me on TWUSA, from my friends and from the people around me if I would have just said 'I am struggling, I need help' but I was never going to do that. I was not going to be that good example that I preach about in my blogs because that person takes guts and courage. Lying is easy, telling the truth and being honest is hard. 

The great thing about life is though? You can get help, I have support and I will get more support because I realize that this is something I struggle with I believe that I am not good enough and will do anything to make people believe I am better. I am going to be running for president and I am not going to go up there and promise things I cannot change or MASSIVE unrealistic things. I am going to go up there and tell them what I am going to try and to. I am not even sure if I can accomplish them all but I am going to try my hardest. Just like my personal life and living by example I am working at trying to become the man that people respect. I may have butchered that for me at TWU because of the struggles I have faced. But that does not mean that I can use the blessing I have around me to get support, help and guidance on how to learn to do the simplest task. Which is:

"Say what your going to do and do it, promise no more and take full responsibility"

I am working on this, I am not perfect and nor do I claim to be. If anyone is reading my blog and thinks I have cockiness left or arrogance then you are for sure mistakes. I am broken like we all our and I am trying to allow God to remold my life into what he originally imagined it to be.  So for who ever posted that "maybe I should listen to your own blog" well here is your answer. I have been and will continue too. I am working everyday to eventually become the man I talk about. But I am sure as hell not there yet.

Christian Sawka

PS Ill edit this later.

Poetry

The Month that was...

The month has now ended,

It seems like the whole thing was blended.

Now where do I stand?

Have I grown as a man?

It has had its ups,

It has had its downs.

It has been all around.

But is there anything I can crown?

I have set my goals,

Heck I have taken polls,

Yet where do I stand?

Have I grown yet as a man?

The month that has been,

The effects I have not seen.

Although I may never see,

And I am as happy, as I can be!

A new month starts!

Therefore I must depart!

Because where I want to stand,

I have to grown as a man.

This is not my best work and I am starting to realize that I am extremely rusty when it comes to poetry. I use to right all the time and enjoyed writing but some where along I got this idea of what a 'guy' was suppose to do. Sports, Video Games, Movies, Eating and Chopping down trees you know those manly things?  I am starting to realize that maybe those are not the most manly things in life and rather the manly things is actually being who you are and what you enjoy? I have no problem now admitting that I like writing Porty, love sappy love music and have a thing for chick flicks but does that make me less of a man? I know that if I would to have shared this in high school I would have been picked on a ton of times for the simple act of enjoying something different. These are some of the things that make me different then the average male these littlest characteristics I have such as writing poetry for fun is what makes me, me! 

We live in a society that preaches being unique being different then everyone else, but at the same time we try and force people into different molds, stereotypes if you may call them. I hate to use the example of Jersey Shore but something that was interesting is that one of the biggest insults to them is being called that your fake. Now the reason this is interesting is because I look at Christian's how many of us our 'fake'? Furthermore how many of us as human beings are fake? We say one thing, we act a certain way and then go around and be totally different. Whether it is to fit a mold, get a group of friends or get a girl we are still fake.Now I am not going to sit here and call everyone fake because not everyone is fake in who they are. But I think at some point we are all guilty of with holding aspects of ourselves to look better. I mean heck I did not tell people that I was depressed because I was worried they were going to think less of me! Too this day I still have this temptation to be fake to because overall it is easier in a lot of ways to be fake.                                                                                                                                                                              

So my challenge is this something that my mom once told me and my mentor tells me all the time "Do what makes you happy and be Pound that you are doing it". On a small area for me it has to deal with poetry because it makes me happy once and a while but i never shared it. But what is it for you? What is your aspects that you do not share, lie about or change the truth? As do you still do this or when did you do this? I would strongly suggest meeting people going through the same stage in life and get them to help you become comfortable in who you are!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka