Depression (Phase 3)

Hey Guys,

So I had some great reflection time last night and some more reflection time earlier this morning and I started to get to this awkward point. One of my resolutions/goals for 2011 was to be more open about who I am, what I have gone through and the struggles I have faced. It was interesting because as I am slowly going through my progression in depression the more and more fearful I become of:

A. What people will think
B. If I should be sharing this
C. Am I comfortable with sharing this? 

It was a weird feeling because when I was especially at this phase in my depression in early October more and more I began to felt uncomfortable, like I was an annoyance, like no one wanted me around at all... So it was interesting today to feel that again and after about 2 minutes of remember what going through this was like I decided that it is in my best interest to post about this.  So this is when things started to go down hill (shocking I know) I would call this the crashing part at this point the plane has hit the earth. 

The first thing that started happening was my inability to find enjoyment in anything and I mean anything this meant friends, video games, TV, reading, school, family... everything and anything would not give me enjoyment. My thoughts were consumed 24/7 with trying to figure out what was wrong. I remember this one night I was at my soccer game and no matter what I was doing I could not focus on the game. After warm up all I could think about was my College Pro issues and why I was having trouble in school. Then the coach went to put me in and I could not even get stretched or get my brain around playing a game of soccer. Eventually I played the last 20 minutes and I do not think I have ever been so mentally fatigued before just trying to NOT focus on other stuff. My issue with College Pro started to take a different turn at this point because I had no idea what I was going to do so luckily my dad got involved. Before you judge there is nothing wrong with asking help when you feel like your trapped in a corner. But at the same time it was almost humiliating that I had to ask my dad for help. I know I am young, I know I have a lot of growing up to do but it was embarrassing to even ask my dad to help me from getting into some deep trouble. Embarrassment is one of those things for me that I hate to feel stupid or incompetent so when I am sitting there with no idea what to do you can imagine what that felt like.

October was also the time I starting seeing my councillor though and as a note if anyone tells you depression is a quick fix well they can go die. I believe I started seeing my councillor on October the 5th. Now the interesting thing about my first meeting was I showed up their after my previous meeting and I was dressed to the nines, tie, dress shirt, black socks, dress shoes and dress pants. I walked into the room and we started talking. There is one thing you need to know about me is that I can hide my emotions well and make anyone believe I am doing alright. I am a decent salesmen and that reflects in my personal life through this depression I started to sell the person I wanted to be instead of who I was. The reason my first visit was so interesting was because I sat there and this councillor looked at me and said well you look like you have it all together, this should just be a few sessions and then everything will be fine. Just fill out this depression test and we will go from there. I sat there for a while and wrote this test and at this point I just started to accept YES I am actually depressed and not just having a tough week. When I finished I felt this sense of relief that I am finally getting help everything is going to get better... Not true those next few weeks were about the toughest in my life.

I got this instant relief that yes I am finally going to be getting help, I am going to be improving but that was not the case. When I walked out of the doctors office life was back to 'normal' for me. I began realizing everything I was not doing, everything I was failing at, everyone I was constantly letting down and the mistakes I was always making. If anyone is going through depression that is reading this... please talk to someone before I did because in my case it was about 2 months a little to late. As those weeks when on I honestly want to say things go better, that things improved and that my life was starting to get back on track. But those next few weeks were the toughest of my life thus far I cannot remember a time before where I could not get to bed before 7am in the morning and would wake up at 5pm just to watch

I do not know exactly how to describe those weeks and I do not even know what words I would use to describe them but here it goes. I felt helpless and completely alone to the point where I wanted to isolated myself off. I sat there everyday hoping someone would text me, call me or make contact with me just so I did not have to be alone again. But I was alone and felt that was the only way things should be. I believe I deserved to be alone that because of my failure, because of my lets downs, and because I was a screw up all I deserved was to be alone. Those were the darkest weeks I have had to face. Ill leave you with this eventually things did get better or I would not be writing this right now but these is still the last phase that ill talk about next Sunday. If you are reading this and having and questions or comments please feel free to contact me.

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka