Sunday, January 30, 2011

Slipping back into Depression

Hey Guys,

So today was the first time since about late December last year that I had a relapse into depression. It was an interesting thing as some of you know and as some of you have figured out by now for most of October, November and December I was on anti-depressants. Well at the start of this semester I stopped cold turkey. 100% I just stopped taking them and have not looked back at all. The thing is though I have to be extremely careful on days like these where some factor causes me to slip back into a micro-depression. Basically what happened was that that I have been suspended for 2 games and then after I got we had our TWUSA retreat so I did not play. So this has been my first game back and because I cannot make all the practices because of classes but to compensate I have been working out, playing a few different sports and working on different aspects of my game. I have been looking forward to this game for a long time and was really excited. Unfortunately as time went on it turns out I did not get to play for more then 10 minutes and every time I got on I made mistakes, after mistakes, after mistakes. Which was hard to get use to because I hate failing and letting people down. After my ten minutes of game time I was put back in with 3 minutes left and the first thing I did was screw up. The coach took me out right away and I was extremely pissed off and distraught. I ended up leaving the Field because with everything I was just frustrated about everything.

This is where my micro-depression started because I started beating myself up, getting angry and then what happened was I ended up just not wanting to do anything the rest of my day. I sat around for the rest of the day fixated upon everything that had happened and could not get my mind off of this. As I have mentioned before my mind is my worst enemy it can easily control me and it is difficult for me to turn it off. Well what happened was after a while of sitting around and waiting I ended up just not wanting to do anything, I just wanted to be alone and not talk to anyone. It was interesting I started to fall into the old thing I use to do which was just wait and hope someone would message me. Luckily this time I can notice a few things and started to actually text people. But it was still a scary realization that maybe I have not conquered depression yet maybe the words I actually said are true... depression is not small thing that passes quickly. It is rather a bigger thing that takes a long time to conquer over. 

Does this mean I have to live in fear of something setting off my depression well no, not at all. Rather this is something that I can learn from and grow through. I am able to recognize the issues when they are coming this was just something I have to learn from. Sadly it is not always my favorite lesson to learn but it is a lesson none the lesson. I am still to this day finding ways to grow through all these difficulties. I am one of those people that has to learn from my mistakes I have to make a mistake before I can learn. So my hope and prayer is that this is the only time I have to learn this lesson I do not want to have to go through a micro depression again it was not fun and luckily I was able to snap it relatively quickly. That is all I really wanted to share about today was that I am still struggling with depression from time to time but overall it is improving and I will be talking about my journey in my "Hope" series.  I am working through it and hopefully through this blog, and from sharing I will be able to work through my struggles.

Thank you for the support for anyone who is reading this, thanks for the people who have commented and thanks for the people who have messaged or emailed me. You are the people helping me through this.

Goodbye for now,
Christian Sawka

1 comment:

  1. I think slipping back into depression should be seen as similar to alocholics/drug addicts [or even people struggling with an E.D.] having 'slips' or 'relapses' - overcoming depression is a form of recovery and so these slips or relapses are to be expected, but like you said they are something that you can learn from rather than allow to derail you.

    Just a thought for anyone who may relate to this post...

    ~Lauren Bersaglio