Criticism

To you, specifically you!

It will always amaze me how one word, one phrase or one talk can outweigh the value of a thousand others.  When we receive one word of negativity it can control and manipulate our entire view point of our day and in some cases life. For some people this is more ramped than others. For some this is something they will never deal with, they will be able to value encouragement and criticism on the same level. However, this is not me. I am not that man.

I wish I had the answer how to manage and value encouragement and criticism to have the happy medium. But I do not, I am a man that gets caught up in the negative and negates the positive. The effect this has had upon my character and my life is impactful. I can think of  any example in which thousands of encouraging words were negated by one person tell me that, I was not good enough, I am not qualified, I am not accepted, I am not ‘cool’ or a variety of other things. We always have to be careful that we do not let these comments scar our life.

What I mean by that is this, there are millions upon millions of statements that will be told to our lives but what ones are we going to let shape our life?

Affect our thoughts?

Effect the way in which we act?

I do not hold the golden answer; I can only pose questions and hopefully make you think. For me I need to remind myself the truth about my life, surround myself with people who will not only encourage but challengers. We do not need yes people but rather, supports and empowers. People who will help you work through the negative and remind you of the positive. Who will build you up when it ‘seems’ everyone around you in trying to tear you down. This is the only advice I have; I have not done this perfectly. But I am starting to learn this is one way to combat the irrational view of criticism we can sometimes have.

Much Love,

Christian Sawka

Prayer?

What does it mean to be a man (woman) of disciple? This is a term we use almost regularly to be disciplined. Currently I am doing an internship at my church and I am in charge of ‘prayer administration’ a big title it would so seem. I am a man of ambition and discipline sometimes gets lost. I will be a man of vision but the day to day work almost seems like impossibility.

As this is the most impactful thing to me right now what does it mean to have a disciplined and yep real prayer life? I am not all for spending the exact same moment every day in prayer, but nor am I fully on board for the pray whenever. Both have their negatives and positives.

 I am not going to try and tell you I know the answer, but somewhere along we lost both of these. I’ve lost both of these. I grew in a family where you would pray before every meal, before bed. Well as you grow older that is just no longer cool so I left out that and told myself well ill just pray to myself. Who am I lying my prayer life and my disciplined life is floundering at best.

I met with a great woman today who left me with some resources about prayer, disciplined life and how to develop that in people. After going through one resource I am left with this one impactful statement, “Prayer level will never raise higher than the leader”. I believe this quote can be used for so much not just prayer life but any form of leadership. People you are leading can only grow as much as the leader.

Therefore, if I want to lead this prayer ministry properly, if I want to see my ministry grow I must first disciple myself before God and grow my prayer life. How else can one do anything except through God?

Battle of the Soul

Yesterday I was reminded and was taught something by a friend who was younger than me. I admired his courage and strength to open up about struggles. As if that reminder was not enough, another friend of mine who was younger as well came to me and shared his struggles with courage. I sat there for a while and it made me think, do I share? Do I have the courage to share? Do I even have the humility to admit that I am not perfect? 

I admired these guys courage for they are more courageous then I feel I have ever been.

I cannot help be remind that there is a constant battle for our souls.  A constant battle between what is good and what is bad and the choices we make. Even if you are reading this and you are a not a Christian, you have to admit that there are always choices to make between good and evil. A term coined to describe this is the “battle of the flesh”. It is this idea that we struggle with between knowing what we should do and doing what we should. Especially for Christians, where we are called to live as such strong examples for Christ and yet, we constantly feel like we are setting a bad example. We know what we ought to do but how often do we truly do what we ought?

To you guys who shared your struggles, who were able to be courageous I commend you for showing me that there is hope. And for those who are struggling I encourage you to share with people close to you. Overcome this battle of the flesh.

Goodbye for now,

Christian

Prayer

God, today I ask for strength, boldness and courage. In the days I feel the weakest I need these the most because it becomes so easy to become timid, to hide and to hold onto my struggles. Lord I struggle when trying to show an example of who you are, Lord oh how I struggle. I prayer for my battle against the flesh, because there is nothing that compares to your great love and care oh Lord. Your thoughts outnumber the grains of sand amongst the sea and I know you are watching over, guiding and blessing my path. I thank You. Amen.

Prayer

October 24^th 2011

Today in my darkest hour is when I need you the most, today just as yesterday and forever I will need more of you of Lord. I am lost, and I am alone. I rarely feel like I am good enough, or even able enough to receive your grace, mercy, peace and love. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4) In these times I am reminded that nothing else will comfort me. No friend, no councillor, no nothing except for you oh Lord. I am prideful Lord; I struggle to humble myself down and Lord that hardens my heart. Lord, I long to experience your holiness, I long to feel your embrace and I long for your presence. Nothing on this earth or on this world compares to that oh Lord. Be my strength, be my wisdom and be the lamp unto my feet. I need you now more than ever, awaken my heart oh God.

Fear

Hey Guys,

It will never stop amazing me how fear can not only limit our ability but manipulate it. Recently it has come up in my life that I live a life that is crippled by fear. It is not something that I like to parade around, or let alone talk about but the truth of the matter is fear has such a control on my life it is scary. Now, I am not just talking about the simplistic fears we deal with, spiders or needles but the deep rooted fears we have in life. Such as fear of failure, fear of uncertainty, fear of success and the list goes on. For me personally I am currently dealing with the largest one of my fears. Which in my life, my fear of failure has plagued my life over and over.

Fear of failure is a rather simple one for anyone that knows me, I am rather competitive and the idea of losing is a difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around. But how does one manage to get over this fear? Do we one day wake up and it is gone? As I am beginning to take on more responsibility in life my fear of failing is becoming more prominent than ever. It seems when there is more on the line fear increases. As I attempt to try and lead or run any form of a group there is a exponential increase in my fear because people are reliant upon me. I wish I had the answers to these questions but I am finding more and more it is going to be something that will plague me for a long time. However it still comes down to a choice at the end of the day, do I want to live in fear?

Goodbye for now,

Christian

Feeling Adequate

Hey Guys,

I had the privilege of speaking at a youth group this week and I spoke on what it means to feel and to be inadequate. What I basically talked about is this that in this age group (15-30) there are always going to be feelings of being inadequate in everything you do sometimes they will be more prevalent then others but the feelings none the less will be there. It is a difficult task that sadly a lot of us are going to face. The only advice I have on this situation is this, acknowledge your weakness and strengths and accept them. I recently went through a job interview were I have congratulated on being extremely in tune with what my weakness and my strengths have been. That is probably one of my greatest strengths is knowing where my weaknesses are because in that I know where things are going to be tough. Back to being adequate take the time out of your day to find your weakness, that way you will also find out where you feel inadequate and hopefully that will solve the problem!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Guest Blog: Pornography

Guest Blog: The Secret Life of Porn by Anonymous

I am going to talk about a specific road in life: Pornography.

Scared? Big word? Taboo? Or are you finding it a lot more commonplace than you would expect these days? When we were given life we were also given a longing for purpose. And we were also given life in the presence of love. We have the opportunity to be known. We have yearnings, longings and desires that instil in us a need for something greater. These are good. I believe these are placed there by a higher power that wants us to grow, to discover and learn. Now we go to the other side of the spectrum and bring up a few points about how Pornography is not fulfilling any part of our soul’s desires.

First of all let’s talk about how it affects your perspective as an individual. Pornography draws you into stereotyping women. Porn wants you to believe that women will act in the way that is portrayed – that your interaction with them does not have to be built on anything more than watching them through a screen. You go to pornography to fill a need. It’s like a fix. You get your fix and then you are done.

Does that sound like a human bond meant to be shared by two people? Not to me.

It sounds more like a disposable appliance. Objectivity. Your sexuality is meant to be more than that; trying to differentiate between your sexuality while watching porn is counter-productive.

Are you trying to foster healthy relationships with other people while at the same time objectifying them? That’s like eating Krispy kremes to get ready for a marathon.

I believe that there are dark forces at work behind the scenes. Things that draw us back in and lies that we hear from voices we never want to talk about. Some of the major holds that porn places in a person’s life are shame and guilt. Your actions make you feel sick. A feeling that you have to hide what you are doing from everyone else. Suddenly you feel cold and utterly alone. You return to the addiction because you may feel it is the only answer left. Can you see how twisted this road is yet?

Something that builds on the shame and guilt aspects of pornography is the silence it instils; there is an air about the situation that demands silence. If you are part of a faith and you find yourself in this situation, call on the name of God. See how it feels. If you do not have a particular faith, try calling out to a loved one.

Why do you hesitate? Do you feel like you’re still in control? Or are you the puppet?

These are observations that I have concluded about pornography. I have one more.

There. Is. HOPE.

Hope to defeat a life lived in secrecy and twisted secrets. Hope in the darkness. You are called to live a life in the light, not needing to hide anything. So this is a call to all the broken under porn: are you going to live a muted life suppressed by porn? Or are you going to get up? Because when you have nothing to hide, you can finally start feeling free.

Sacrifice?

Hey Guys,

It has been a long time since I last posted a blog and that has simply been because I have been busy with work, hanging with friends and overall losing a routine of posting everyday. I should start getting back into a system soon of posting and sharing a few of the things I am learning. So today I want to talk about this idea of sacrifice. We all make decisions each day that require us to sacrifice, some are larger sacrifices than others but regardless of that we are required to sacrifice something for something else. In order to hang out with friends, I must sacrifice a little sleep and in order to work I must sacrifice some free time. The question I have been thinking about lately is how much am I and how much are you willing to sacrifice? 

Any decision that we make in life is going to cause us to have to sacrifice something else, it could me letting go of a friendship, it could mean walking away from a task or it could mean compromising your ethics, morals and values. Hopefully it never comes to that but it could happen. So I guess the question I am tackling is how much am I will to sacrifice for different aspects of my life. Like right now I do really enjoy hanging out with friends till the late hours of the night but how much of my sleep and health can I sacrifice? I also work right now which means everyday in order to get the work done I could cut corners but do I want to sacrifice my ethics? 

Sacrifice can be a great thing but it can also be a negative things when used in the wrong manor, sacrificing for the wrong cause and wrong reason can ultimately destroy what you were working towards. Therefore remember as you make each decision what you are going to need to sacrifice to get there!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Forgranted

Hey Guys,

Having another tough night sleeping even though I have had almost a 16 hours day and probably a 17 hour day when this blog goes up. The thing I wanted to talk about today was this idea of things we take for granted. I had a conversation with a friend today who is visiting her family in Alberta and I asked her a question, which was how is it to be away from your parents? She respond saying it was tough, that she would at time miss them but that she also believe that if you live close to them you take parents and loved ones for granted. This statement got me thinking for the rest of the day and through my soccer game (because it was a blow out for us), it made me think what do I take for granted?

I live in a home with two loving parents, I have a car, I have my own computer and the list goes on of all the things I am absolutely blessed to have. So why do I take this things for granted? I have been trying to figure this out all night as to what causes me to take these amazing things I have for granted. First off I am an average to poor son at best because I forget holidays, birthdays and forget about what matters to my parents. I take for granted what has been given to me because I do not take care of it like I should or respect the items like I should. But it still does not answer my question? why do I take things for granted and how can I change this?

So the conclusion I have come to thus far as to why I and our society take things for granted. The ending I came to was this, we have started to expect these as normal. We have come to expect that we will be loved by our parents, that we will get what we want and forget that in fact, we have be blessed! I am not going to disagree some peoples lives are alot harder of mine but mine is really not horrible and yet I take that for granted everyday. I guess this is the lesson I am learning is never take your life, or the blessing you have for granted. Live tomorrow being thankful for everything given to you!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Control

Hey Guys,

So something I am learning about myself is that I like to be in control of my situation. Today I tried something new, I went bungee jumping which was a whole new experience for me. I have never done something like that before because I was always too scared of heights, or of falling but basically what it came down too was not having control of my situation. There is something amazing that comes with bungee jumping off a bridge. Those two or three seconds where you have absolutely no control is something that I have never experienced before. It was after that I realized I love to have control. Which I believe is normal for our culture. We are a culture that loves to always be in control. I am starting to see that because I like to have control there are difference aspects of my life that get affected by it, weather it be with my parents, with my job, or on a sports team I like to have control of the team and situation at hand.

But what about losing control? In a healthy way. We are usually taught (or maybe that is just me) that we need to have control of our situation or else we are weak or not a strong leader. But I beg to differ with this idea, we need to give up some control. I, myself tend to push myself and try to take control of situations that do not require control. But there is some beauty and benefits to sometimes being a follower instead of constantly controlling the situation. After today I am starting to realized there are area's of my life that I need to give control up weather it be with sports, or with work you do not always have to be in control. As times goes on and as I learn a few lessons here and there, sometimes it would be nicer to learn from other people once and a while. This brings me to my main point which is this, in order to be a leader you must learn to follow and not always take control. I believe that is a common misconception that in order to lead you must have control.

I am not calling myself a great leader but on the flip side I believe I have a ton to learn before I will ever become a good leader. I have spent so much time believe that if you are in control it means you are a leader, therefore all you need to do is be in control right? Well that is very faulty logic. As time goes on I have learned that sometimes leading means following first, understanding how something works and not always taking control. I think I am repeating myself at this point so ill stop writing but that is what I wanted to talk about is save yourself a headache and let someone else take control!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

I Am A Manly Man

Hey Guys,

It has been a while since my last post. I would like to say thank you first off because as of yesterday I passed the 10,000 view mark on my blog which is mind blowing for me . When I started blogging I was hoping to just reach out to one or two people never really expected anything from this in anyway. It has truly been a blessing to everyone who has come back day after day and have read my blog! Furthermore, I would like to thank the people that have put up with my spelling thus far and will continue too (hopefully it will improve). So one to the point of today's blog. I am a MANLY MAN, or so I think. We always have a different idea of what a man is suppose to be, weather it be the Hollywood guy, the masculine man, or any other version we all have a perceived idea of what a man should be. But do not worry I am a manly man! The reason I keep saying that over and over is a friend showed me a great poem that has made me think lately. Here it is:

I don’t want my long hair, pretty green eyes, with ( no! I do not have on mascara. ) eyelashes, skinny figure, undersized t-shirt, hip shake too much when I walk confuse anybody. I am a manly man.

Within this sissy frame, obviously rib laden chest lies a heart that beats to the drum of a native American ritual dancing wildness. It pumps an ever cascading supply of untamedness that a herd of wild mustangs have yet to grasp. If danger lurks about, I will seek it out. If adventure abounds, there I will be found. If a damsel be in distress, I will show her who is best. I am a manly man.

Because I don’t flush, and I leave the lid up.

I drive a 1988 Ford Pick-up truck. Girls don’t break up with me, I break up with them first. ( Except the last time, it didn’t really work out like that… ) I don’t shave the hair on my face ( Because I still can’t grow facial hair yet… ) But when I can, I won’t, because beards are tough.

I fart, burp, and spit when I want, not caring who’s nearby. Disrespect my momma, and I will punch you in the eye. I am a manly man.

Or am I? I tell my guy friends that I love ‘em. And sometimes, sometimes I even hug ‘em. Not because I’m gay, but because I love ‘em. And when I watched Bambi, I cried. And when my Mema gets mad, I still run and hide.

Like David, I wanna be a man after God’s own heart. And I’m not there yet, but I’m past the start. And when people talk, I try to listen. A spirit of compassion, that’s my vision. Surely I am a manly man. I want to be loved and have love and give love.

And not just that romantic kind either. Although I am looking for that beauty.
Not helpless, but wants to be rescued. The damsel in distress, man, woman, myth, true. I will fight for her, climb the highest tower for her, love her, share with her, delight in her, be her warrior, her protector.

She will be my crown and I will be hers. My masculinity will be passed down and affirmed to my sons. And each of my daughters will know they are lovely, and deserving of authentic romance.

Society tells me all day long that I’ve defined manhood completely wrong. But you ask any honest man, and he will agree. You ask any honest woman, and she too will see, that I am a manly man.

-Bradly Hathaway

It is an interesting idea to think what is a manly man. We tend to put images to certain things and this is just another one of those images we create. The way men should be. I know often it is woman who are talked about, about being portrayed as being one way by the media but it is the same way for men too. We are shown how a a Man's Man should be. This made me start to think though... is that right? I do not believe the whole world's image of a man and a woman will change tomorrow. Actually I know that for sure that it will not change, the only way to change the world is by changing yourself. What I mean by that is that we can only control the way we are, not the way the people surrounding us are or how the world is. Let's change this then, what our perception of a male is. First off, stop making fun of us who play video games, or talk about starcraft :). I think the thing I am starting to learn that the definition of a manly man is a man who loves. Sure, we all show love in different ways but the man who loves is a manly man. Sometimes we are shown that men are not suppose to be emotional, or show love, care or anything that could involve emotion. That is my piece of advice for all males, show a little emotion once and a while, we are all human. 

Hope the week is going great for all of you and that life is good! Remember act human and show some emotion men!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Back to Normal

Hey Guys,

I will be back blogging starting today (Monday, May 2nd) I took a quick break while trying to adjust back to being home and balancing. Look forward to hear from everyone and also share with you some things that have gone on in my life and the things I have noticed!

Goodbye for now,
Christian Sawka

Your Story

Hey Guys,

Something I have gotten often is people commenting on that I blog because that is just who I am. That is kind of true for the majority of my life I have always been the one to share what has gone on my life. Especially once I have gone through something like depression, failure or feel inadequate.  I wanted to share it. However this is not the case for everyone, not everyone wants to share or feel comfortable sharing about there life. That is the thing I am starting to realize. It is this, we all have a story, we all have something to share but you do not have too. Certain people are meant to share to the world, some people are meant to share to one person and that is there comfort reason and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that by any means. I think that is something we do in our culture and something that I do personally which is glorify the person who shares more than the person who keeps their personal life to themselves. It is sometime hard to realize for me that why would people not want to share? Often I am called blunt or straight forward because I will ask some of the most directed questions ever. That is because I share therefore everyone should share right? Wrong, not everyone feels comfortable with sharing.

To my point which is this, everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something in there life that is a 'touchy' subject. Even for me there is still parts of my life that I do not like to talk about. Everyone has a part of their life they do not talk about. That is something we and I need to remember everyone still has a story. As we go about our day we see hundreds if not thousands of people and it is easy to group people together. But we should not everyone has a a different story, a different childhood and different experiences. 

I guess that is what I have to share and what I am learning is never underestimate someone and what they have to share with you. I am learning alot everyday from different people in my life because they all have something to share. Take the time tomorrow or the next day to find out about someone and what they have to share with you!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Male Eating Disorder

Hey Guys,

A lot has been going on this week between going to Pender, Easter and also finishing up my last final. This was a blog posted on the Libero Network which really peaked my interest. Often we categorize certain disorders to different genders because that is the 'roles' we place in society. Scott here suffered from an eating disorder which usually we set as only a girl problem. Which is 100% incorrect. As I am starting to realize, age and sex does have an effect on you but does not eliminate you from different disorders. Just because you are a male does not mean you cannot suffer from depression like I did or ED like scott did.

Scott’s Story

It’s hard to say when an eating disorder “started.”  I think it is more of a progression from the disordered thoughts, to actions, and then to diagnosis and treatment.  If I had to pick a time I would have to say mine “started” in 2006/ 2007 when I started bicycling competitively. In my drive to be competitive, I decided that in order to be faster I had to weigh less. I read how famous cyclists like Lance Armstrong measured and weighed every single thing they ate and I thought that sounded like a good idea. So I started doing that. I also began broadening my very limited diet by eating more vegetables and varied foods.

My favourite foods were pizza and pasta (butter, no red sauce) and white bread with lots of butter. 

As I began hearing that these foods weren’t “healthy” I stopped eating them.

I vividly remember visiting my sister while she was a freshman in college. I chose to eat a stir fry because I thought it was the ‘healthiest’ option – this is where my disordered thoughts surrounding food really started.

I became obsessed with food, while at the same time not allowing myself to have it. I started collecting cook books, and reading Cooking Light and other weight loss magazines. It quickly consumed me. I started cooking for the family and packing my own lunches to control what was going into my body. Not only would I restrict ingredients I “wasn’t allowed,” but I also served myself smaller portions than my parents, because I didn’t want to eat more than an adult.

I convinced myself, as well as my family, that the cause of my weight loss was increased activity combined with not eating enough. I went to a nutritionist who recommended some ways I could gain weight; so I attempted a weight-gain plan, but that didn’t work – mostly because I wasn’t following it. I had a bunch of tests done, everything from GI scopes to allergy tests and they all came back as normal.

Amidst the testing, I was suffering more than I even knew; I was so numbed by the eating disorder that I didn’t realize how poorly I was really doing. I felt dizzy getting out of bed or out of a chair, had trouble climbing stairs, and was struggling to bike. I was a mess.

We didn’t know what to do. Nobody had even mentioned the possibility of an eating disorder. My parents realized that what was wrong with me was not physical, because they got me to see a couple of psychologists. However, this didn’t get me anyways because none of them specialized in eating disorders. We were lost.

My sister came to visit me and showed immediate concern for me. To be honest, I don’t know what I would have done without her; she knew what was wrong long before me or even the doctors did. She insisted to my parents that I see a therapist she had found online who specializes in eating disorders. My first appointment I sat blank faced – not really knowing what was going. I think of it as a kind of ‘eating disorder haze.’

Dr. H (the therapist) diagnosed me as anorexic. I was in shock. In the car I asked my mom how that could even be. I didn’t have an eating disorder did I?  It didn’t help matters that I was a guy, and didn’t think guys struggled with this. I sat in the car on the way home, tearfully thinking about what this meant.

Then began the recovery process.

I saw a few dieticians until I found one I liked, and was seeing my therapist every week (along with my parents and my sister when she could make it). During my first few sessions, they took away my cooking privileges, and I was devastated.  See, my cooking obsession had gotten worse, and I thought that not knowing what would go into everything I ate would kill me. Dr. H suggested that it was my eating disorder causing me to obsess about cooking; I thought that was absolutely ridiculous. I was convinced she was just taking away the one thing I liked because she wanted to make me miserable.

I came home from each appointment more depressed than the last I felt as though all my privileges were being taken away and it wasn’t fair. I now recognize that it was actually my eating disorder that was depressed; he was losing control and hated it.

During one appointment we discussed a bike ride I wanted to do: Ride Across Indiana.  I had done it the year before, and I was excited to do it again. When Dr. H recommended I not do the ride (and my parents agreed) I was devastated. Up until that point, I had moved forward in my recovery because I knew that I would only be allowed to do the rides I wanted once I gained weight. But now I had gained weight and I still wasn’t allowed, and it seemed totally unfair.

The next major speed-bump in my recovery was the death of my grandfather. I had a great relationship with him, and seeing him suffering from lung cancer was really hard. Looking back at it now, I feel bad at how empty I felt – at my lack of emotions. I think that my eating disorder numbed me to so many things. The worst part? I didn’t know I was numb. Emotions are just another thing ED takes away from us.

Eating disorders are not about the food, they really are not. 

So where does this leave me now?  I am at a healthy weight, but thoughts still rattle around my head every once in a while. I would like to say that a full recovery is possible, that there will be a time when I have no thoughts of ED whatsoever, but I don’t have an answer as to whether or not that is possible. However, I will work towards full recovery and do my best to get there nevertheless.

One thing I do know is that through this eating disorder I have learned so much about myself and about my family. I now value the love and support of my family more than I ever did before, simply because I know where I would be without it. I know myself better, I understand that it is okay to not be perfect, and that there are certain things that I simply am not meant to do in life – and this is okay.

So why am I writing this?  Well, because I know I felt like there was nobody that had gone through what I was going through. Other guys with eating disorders? Nonsense! I was just weird.  But I was so wrong.  Through blogging, not only did I find other guys suffering through the same things I was, I also found more support than I could have ever imagined.  For me, having other people to talk to that have gone through the same things I was going through was extremely helpful. With these people I don’t worry about being judged because I know they understand me in a way not many people can. It is definitely not a replacement for support from the people who are in your lives every day, but having an online support system from the “blog world” who really understand the struggles of having an eating disorder truly is so helpful.

There is support out there for each and every one of you, no matter how hopeless you feel.  You can do this, you can recover, and you can be happy again.

Change

Hey Guys,

This will be a short little post as I will be leaving in the morning for pender island and will most likely not have Internet. I wanted to post about change and what it kind of means. We are all going to face change in our life from time to time. We are all going to have to face changes in our life, big and small. It might be like me where there is a change between school and summer or a change between jobs all these are small changes that we are going to face for most of our life. There is realistically three ways to deal with change and I have tried all three. Not wanting, apathetic or accepting. Not wanting usually entails putting up a fuss about the whole thing. There is being apathetic which is just absolutely not caring. Then there is accepting and working with it to have the best outcome. But again it is always a choice of free will on how you want to deal with change. The choice is up with you but for me as I look towards what is going on I think I might accept some changes!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Plans

Hey Guys,

As it turns out I am a planner, I love to always know what is going on, when things are going to happen and I like to have control with them. Even today after I wrote my final, which by the way if anyone was concerned why there have not been many updates is because it is final exam time which means I have less times to write blogs and also have a life. Finishing strong (http://crsawka.blogspot.com/2011/04/finishing-strong.html) right? I have one more tomorrow night and then there is freedom. But back to the point is that I believe as humans we life to plan in our nature we like to plan and be in control. Some more then others me especially love to have plans at all times. Just recently I have started to write them down but for most of my life I can remember being a dreamer and a planner. It is only recently though I have learned what a `life plan`actually looks like and what a realistic plan is like.

First is a `life plan`often a lot of my goals were fixated around accomplishing something with a job, or money or gaining something. It is only recently I have tired to change that, that there are more important things in life then a fast car, or being rich or anything along those lines. Second is also a realistic plan, I am a long term focused person, I love to dream about what things will be like on day. I love to dream about what it would be like to have that job, or freedom or a family etc... and never look at what it takes to accomplish that.  That is the difference between dreaming and a realistic plan is that you know what it takes to accomplish it.

Just a quick small post but think about it as for some of you students summer is coming up, what are you plans and goals? How about those graduate where do you see yourself in a few years?

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Self-Love

Hey Guys,

This blog is not from me (you will notice less spelling mistakes) it is from a friend of mine and a fellow blogger named Lauren Bersaglio. As some of you maybe have read up on the Libero Network tab, she is the founder of the Libero Network. She is the founder and director of the whole operation and if you want more information please check out her website/blog at http://www.exposedblog.net. 

On Self-Love

"To love yourself right now, just as you are, is to give yourself heaven. Don't wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now." ~Alan Cohen

We’ve all heard it; it’s the Golden Rule: “Love your neighbour as yourself.” What we seem to forget is that the ‘love your neighbour’ part is really only half of it. If nothing else mattered, then the rule would have ended at just that. So why the ‘as yourself’? St. Augustine says, “When it is said, ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself’ at the same time, it is clear that love for yourself is not omitted.” Obviously the second half of this Golden Rule holds some importance.

In the early stages of my eating disorder I had no desire to change. I didn’t care that I was harming myself; I didn’t care that I was killing myself slowly. I simply didn’t care. And the problem is, when you don’t care, there is no drive to change.

Why didn’t I care? Because I didn’t have any self-respect, any self-value, and I didn’t yet realize that I deserved better. Bottom line: I didn’t love myself.

The sicker I got, the more enslaved I became. When I was over-exercising, starving, cutting, I felt like I was treating myself the way I deserved to be treated. To stop made no sense.

I didn’t feel like I was missing out on life because I didn’t think a good life was something I deserved. So my eating disorder behaviours continued and the worse they got, the more guilt I felt for abusing my body, and that guilt further fuelled my self-hatred. It was a vicious cycle.

I was led to a place where I had to make a choice: change or die. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live, but I knew that I didn’t want to die.

So I decided to enter into recovery.

In recovery I learnt that my eating disorder behaviours (as is the case with the behaviours of any addiction) were not the problem, they were the symptom. In order for me to remove the symptom, I had to deal with the root issue: I had to learn to love myself.

See, the thing about recovery is that you will not want to change unless you feel you deserve to change. You have to know that you deserve a better life, a good life. You have to believe that you are worth it.

I will tell you straight up that this is not easy. Learning to love yourself requires reaching in and pulling out all the things holding you back – guilt, shame, insecurity – and then rejecting each one. You have to tell yourself you are beautiful, and you have to forgive yourself. And then, you have to fill yourself up with the truth. If you don’t, then you will be left with a void that will only leave room for more lies to enter in and root themselves again.

It can be difficult at first to believe the good about yourself, so start by surrounding yourself with people who love you, who believe you can change, and who tell you you’re worth it, and over time, these things will start to sink in and will fill you up, leaving no room for the lies.

And as you do this, as you weed out the old – the lies, the guilt, the hate – and you replace it with the new – self-acceptance, forgiveness, truth – you will begin to love yourself. And then, once you begin loving yourself, you will begin to see that not only do you want a better life, but you deserve one. No longer will you choose to stay alive because you don’t want death; you will choose to stay alive because you want to be alive. And you will begin building for yourself the type of life you know you deserve – the type of life that in the past you’d only wished for your neighbour – a life of happiness, health, and, most importantly, love. Suddenly the problem will begin healing and the symptoms – the depression, the addictions – they will begin to disappear.

You’ve been loving your neighbour, now it’s time to start loving yourself. I can’t stress enough how important this is.

Give yourself heaven. Choose to love yourself today and you will live now.   

~Lauren Bersaglio

Appreciation

Hey Guys,

There is no controversial topic today, no crazy life story or anything like that. Today is about the appreciation of life, of the small things and the things we take for granted. 

The reason this was in my head was at around twelve I felt like going for a walk, needed time to slow down from the day. The moment I walked outside it felt like everything slowed down for once in a long time. I took in a deep breathe of fresh, clean, crisp air and started to feel relaxed. After walk for about a minute I got to the main part of TWU's campus which is the cherry blossoms. I stopped for about ten minutes and just took in the beauty of the fully blossomed trees. 

It made me think how we tend to forget to appreciate those things in life. For me tonight it was just the appreciation of some peace and quiet, some fresh air and nature. As it is now Sunday (which means I like to do some self-reflection) I thought to myself do I appreciate everything I have? Well the simple answer is no.

First is this appreciation of life, if anyone has been following my blog for a while knows I struggled with depression and suicide. After coming out of that I have had a new found appreciation for life. But even now I still from time to time forget to remember everything I am blessed with on a regular day to day life. I look back and see how much I took my life for granted. 

Second is the small things in life. These are the things that we tend to over look. I especially overlook a lot of the blessing in my life. Tonight it was the smallest thing that I appreciated which was simply the air, a clear night sky and the cherry blossoms. 

Third is the aspects we forget to be appreciative of. My parents will be the first to admit that I am not always the most appreciative. It is because I forget. I think that tends to happen in our culture a lot which is forgetting to be appreciative of the things we are blessed with. We often fixate on the negative and forget to appreciate everything we are blessed with.

That was just a little bit about what was on my mind today which was appreciate all the things we have on a regular occasion. Especially friends, family and our surroundings. There is always something positive to appreciate. I think. 

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Homosexuality

Libero holds no opinion regarding whether homesexuality is right or wrong, what we do believe is that all people deserve to be loved by others and by themselves regardless of their beliefs or sexual orientation

Hey Guys,

This is something for some reason has been brought up on my blog in the comments and I wanted to just touch on this quickly. I am no expert in this subject, I do not pretend to know all the answers and this is just my opinion. My opinion is not one of judgement but one rather of love and acceptence. Homosexual or not we will all face struggles in life how come we get so fixated on this...? I and the Libero Network try and express love or hate and acceptence of judgement.

It should be night and day right? It should be right or wrong correct? Wrong. The deeper debate that comes up is this, is homosexuality and choice or something you are born with. I can guarantee that if you are reading this half of you said born with and half of you said a choice. So what is it? Realistically there is no actual 100% irrefutable proof either way. I know I am probably offending some people here but there is none that I know of.  By the way, yes I have friends that are 'homosexual', I have worked with people who are and frankly they are the same as every other human being. 

I do not have the answers, no one has the answers to everything. Hence why we form our own opinions on so many matters. What I have to say is this... Does it really matter? The bible mentions all the sins that will affect our entrance to heaven, why do we fixate on one more then all the others? Furthermore it was ruled by the Canadian government that it is none of their business what goes on behind close door. Why do we make such a big deal out of it. Ultimately every just wants to be accepted, some people fake being gay to be accepted, some people fake being straight to be accepted, it goes both ways. I believe we spend (and including me) way to much time debating if it is wrong and over look that the bottom of the line they are humans just like you and me. Do they not suffer with loneliness, depression, anorexia, stress, fitting in problems, being bullied, and the list goes on. Why do we get so caught up if it is wrong or not instead of trying to treat everyone equally. Ultimately I believe in a forgiving and merciful God who loves, why do we not do that same? The bible tells us not to judge, and above all to love one another so why do we not follow that? Even if you do not believe in the bible or God doesn't loving one another sound a lot better then going around and hating? 

Maybe I am wrong here, you not what I seem to be wrong a fair amount of the time but hear me out of this. Leave you opinion, keep it clean anything doing with judgement, vulgarity or pure attacking comments will be brought down.

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Guys, Girls, Friends?

Hey Guys,

Something that has been on my mind lately and has been on my mind since probably grade 10 is this idea can guys and girls just be friends? Now, before I start I do believe there are people who can be friends with no problems what so ever, who can just be friends. For me however, I have had difficulties just being friends with girls. I do not think that it is impossible, it is just difficult for me. The reason I think it is difficult for me and for most guys and girls is because of a few reasons, the natural physical attraction that happens, the comfortably that happens and the longing for companionship. This is just my experience and basically what I can pass on.

First, is this idea of physical attraction. I know that may seem extremely basic and self-explanatory but from what I have learned physical attraction is almost always there. Whether there is a large amount or just a minor attraction there is almost always a level of physical attraction even between friends. Especially at the beginning of a friendship. Over time I would like to believe that physical attraction goes away but at the beginning there is definitely the attraction. This is normal however I would find it  weird if there was zero attraction. I believe as us just being human if we are friends with someone there is going to a level of physical attraction. 

There is also a level of comfortably that happens with being friends. This is a good and bad thing. It is good because you want to be comfortable with you friends and share what is going on. Maybe it is only me but I also feel more comfortable with sharing with girls. This is not always a bad thing though, it does allow me to talk to people. My fear and what has happened in my life already is this feeling more comfortable with my friends as girls and limit my willingness to open up to my girlfriend. I am slowly becoming a firm believer in not having a large amount of girls as friends while being in a relationship. This is my fear in a way if guys and girls can be friends because eventually one female or male will have to be your one person. Someone once ask me what is the point then of even being friends if in the end you will just end it when you get a wife? Well I am starting to think like all friendships they need to change over time. But this is something to figure out what you guys individually think. Do you think guys and girls can be friends and stay friends through everything?

Lastly is companionship I think the reason that guys and girls have troubles being friends is that in some way or another we all long for companionship. This is a problem I have which is a long for companionship, I hate being alone I would rather have someone by my side. The healthy way would be to deal with my problems, get in a healthy relationship and then fill the void that way. However my problem is a try to fill that with different friendships. This is just me and why I have troubles with girls and guys being friends.

I am not saying guys and girls cannot be friends. I am saying though with me I have troubles especially in my past just being friends with girls. I am getting a lot better however. Especially in my small group at church I am learning how to just be friends with girls. One tip, hang out in groups not one on one. This is just me and my thoughts about guys and girls being friends. I am positive some people out there are better at being just friends then I am. Hopefully that is right. Do you think guys and girls can be friends and just friends?

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Learning to be Accountable

Hey Guys,

Something that I made public in my goals for 2011 and have talked about it a few other times, is this idea of staying accountable. There are a few different levels of stay accountable, to oneself, to the people around him and to the actions he does. I believe that accountability can be broken down into those three categories and probably into a thousand others but in my life those are the three main groups. I am wishing that learning to be accountable was as easy as saying it. Unfortunately something in my life I am noticing and something I have noticed with the people around to is it is hard to keep people to something, even more keeping yourself focus on one thing. The thing that I find the hardest is to find a way to feel like you let yourself down in a healthy way when you do not stay accountable. If anyone has been reading for a long long time will know I suffered from depression and one of the reasons I did was because I blamed myself for all the mistakes going on and kept them inside. Well now I am trying to learn how to keep yourself accountable to getting the job done, getting the paper done or just getting your life in order. There is a difference between feeling like a failure and feeling like you let yourself down. For example if I one day start feeling down and stop telling people what is going on I feel like I let myself down, where as before I would have felt like a failure. Let me try to get my thoughts out here...

First is staying accountable for your actions. This is probably the easiest thing to do simply because it is easy to monitor. Usually this one at least in my life requires someone to point out what is going on and if changes are actually happens. We always see our life through our own eyes. Even I do with all my recent self-reflection still see my life through my own eyes. I think that is the biggest prohibitor from keeping us from being accountable for our actions is the fact that we see our actions through our own eyes. How should you stay accountable for your actions? I do not know. For me it has been asking and getting people to watch your actions and help you see what is going on. This does not mean someone everyday judging you on your actions but watching and seeing where trends are forming and how things can get better. 

I am going to tie this into the second group which is staying accountable to the people around you. This is because they are very similar which is you need to find people you trust want to see you get better from what you are facing. It is difficult to be accountable to other people because it requires you to be vulnerable to people and to open up when you are facing things. I recently wrote on justifying actions and such. This will be a big thing you face while trying to be accountable to people is justifying anyway that your actions are fine. That you do not need to be accountable to people. Unfortunately (well maybe it is just me) when there is no one to keep you accountable you start to convince yourself that what you are doing is not that bad or even alright. Whether it be stealing, excessively drinking, drugs or anything you will slowly convince yourself they are fine.

Last is being a accountable to yourself. This is something I am learning each day and still am far away from 'mastering' which is how do you stay accountable to yourself? When getting over your struggle the technique right now which seems to be working is an extrinsic reason to stay accountable i.e. giving up something. When you are facing something like an addiction (using as an example do not worry) it is hard to give it up and usually requires more then just yourself saying I want to stop it. There needs to be a reason to stop. I am trying to figure out how you eventually change it so that your intrinsic motivation and decision making changes. I will tell you when I get there.

That is just what I am trying to figure out right now is how do you learn to stay accountable? It is something much easier said then done. I guess I am still learning and hopefully you guys are too!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Justifying

Hey Guys,

Something that has come about a fair amount lately in my life has been this idea of justifying your actions, your mistakes and everything along that sort. I was talking with a solid group of guys tonight and it came up how much we justify our actions. We also dilute the truth or the actual severity of our actions. It is in our human nature to try and rationalize our actions. We look at what has happened in our lives and the damage we have done and justify it through 'rational' arguments. For me I happened to make a mistake and then justify it by saying the actual actions and severity was not that bad. That what I had done was not as mad as it could have been. Rather then accepting my actions I justified them through rational ideas.

Why do we do this? I believe it is human nature to make things easier to deal with. Rather then to have to deal with the real problems we face is we dilute them and rationalize them they are easier to deal with. Facing problems in life is difficult and if we make excuses for them they are much much easier to deal with. I talked about this earlier about my stats class and how they were justifying cheating. It is the same sort of thing we will face in life, we usually make excuses. I am not saying blame yourself for everything but stay away from lying to yourself with saying things like, no one will find out, no one is getting hurt and that there will be no effect. Maybe this is just me but what I have seen in my life is the more we justify actions the more we will be willing to push the envelope later.

What I am trying to get at is this, try to stay away from justifying actions by diluting the severity. I do not want you now to go out and believe everything is wrong and then everything needs a super punishment. But do not try and push away your problems and mistakes by saying they are less then they are. It will effect you in the long wrong more then you can imagine. Within my own life it has allowed me to push boundaries and over look falling shorts because I was justifying my own life. So be careful!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Positive Self-Reflection

Hey Guys,

Too keep with some what of a routine I like to take Sunday to just reflect on my life, and where things are going. Today is going to be a little bit more of a different self-reflection. Often when I talk about self-reflection I am a little critical of myself and evaluating everything in my life. Today however, has just been an amazing week that has encouraged me a fair amount. First off there is something I want to talk about. Well not something someone. As much of you have noticed and hopefully had read up on is this thing called a Libero Network. A friend of mind started it up and works extremely hard almost everyday to try and make an impact on as many people as she can. Her blog is this:

http://exposedblog.net/ it is focused around eating disorders. The reason I just wanted to do a plug from her is because of the amount that she does for me. She not only has helped me with my blog and give me pointers but also encourages me. Next to my parents, she is one of the top people who encourages me to continue blogging and sharing what has gone on in my life. I would just encourage you guys to check it out. She just did her one year vlog post and you should all go check her blog out and give her some encouragement back.

Onward to self-reflection, I think the reason I am feeling great today is for two key reasons. One because of the community supporting me and two the feeling of accomplishment. First is this weekend has just been an encouragement I got plugged into a Church in Langley here and have been apart of a cluster. Basically it is a large group of getting together to have some fun, hang out and help each other not kill everyone. Then the other thing is this feel of accomplishment. The reason I am feeling accomplished is simply because I am starting to see the effects of the decision I have been making. Decisions to stay away from drinking, to try and be less arrogant, to do what I say and a multitude of others. I know there will be a few of you sitting there and reading pointing out all my flaws still and yes I know I still have them and always will. But today that does not bother me, because just as Lauren did talking about the last year I am thinking about where I was 4 months ago and looking at the changes today!

I think it is easier for me to look where I was 4 months ago because I can go back and look at my blog posts and see the tone of my writing. This is my encouragement and challenge for anyone reading this, keep a journal and watch your progression as a person. Track the decision you are making and you will see the change. That was just a little self-reflection today. Hope you guys are having a great day too!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Live and Learn

Hey Guys,

For anyone that has been following me for a while you will have noticed I have change the name of my blog. There were a few reasons for this, one was thinking I was egotistical for having my own name up top, to try and take the focus off of me to focus on the objective of my blog and to try to find a name that represents what I am trying to do.

As I was up last night thinking about having a blog named Christian Sawka I realized one thing, that, that seems quiet arrogant and egotistical. It creates this I am better and know all the answers to life's problems. When truthful I do not know all the answers for life. As I will talk about later what the purpose of the name is. I want to do everything I can possibly to take away things that make me seem overly arrogant instead of confident.

The reason I named it Live and Learn. The reason I named it this is because that is what my whole blog is about. I always joke around with my family that in order to learn anything I must live it. My dad's response is the same thing every time can you not just learn from other people's failures? That is the purpose of my blog, whether it be writing about depression, reputation, simple life lessons or anything like that is to tell you about the times I made a mistake and failed. I do not want you to do the same thing. I want you to be able to do something that I could never do and maybe one day will which is something I struggle with but learn form my mistakes. I have been trying to share different areas in my life I struggle with, I have made mistakes in, I have failed in and ways I think that you can avoid them hopefully not have to go through them :)

That was the reason I changed the name and for anyone new that is the reason I still write!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Changing a Reputation

Hey Guys,

Today I was reminded of what some people think of me and the reputation I hold with them. It was an interesting conversation, because it was between two people. One was commenting on the reputations her sister told her about me and the other girl was kind of surprised. The surprised girl asked if those comments or what people thought about it bugged me. She said if it was her she would probably go to her room and cry. I told her I have dealt with it long enough now that it does not phase me anymore, and that it never did..... This is the first time in a long time I can remember telling and absolute lie to someone. It did phase me quiet a bit to hear from someone who never even gave me a chance to have a first impression or even get to know me to think a certain way. My first encounter with her was, "Hi my name is Christian", "I know who you are" was her response. It was difficult. I do not cry myself to sleep every night but you do sure feel negative about yourself after an encounter like this one. Something I have learned this semester is the power which words have. I am in a public speaking class where we are shown how words can inspire or manipulate people and I am in a consumer behavior class where we see how words can manipulate for sales. We are all guilty and me especially is guilty of using words to bring people down, to hurt people and to be negative. I am trying to shut my mouth and speak positively because I have now seen the power of words first hand. You can shake it all off until those words get into your head and change your thoughts. Tonight reminded me why we need to shake off words because that is all they are.

Back to the main topic that was an intro story, changing a reputation. This will be a short one as this is a simple task to do:

If I take care of my character, my reputation will take care of me.
Dwight L. Moody

I know the only way I will change my reputation ever is to take care of my character. This does not mean just talking about changing my character but actually following that up with actions and a change in lifestyle. Character is usually what defines our reputation. Unfortunately it is usually our character flaws that end up defining our reputation. I mentioned before that gaining a reputation can take one act and changing it could take years. This is what way to change it. It is not pretending to be something else, or acting a different way it is through taking care of your character and then the rest will follow. Actions will always speak louder then words ever can and that is what I am learning and was concreted into my head tonight. No matter what is said, or the reputations that have been built up. Taking care of my character and solid actions will speak louder. That is my encouragement for you guys. If anyone of you is worried about your reputation or anything like that let your actions speak louder then your words or anyone else's ever could.

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Feel free to Share, Like, and Comment especially!

Getting a Reputation

Hey Guys,

This is something I have been learning about a fair amount lately is how you get a reputation. It is probably one of the easiest things to get in the world. It can be as simple as a one time thing or a complex as a series of events or actions that cause you to gain a reputation. The craziest thing about a reputation is how long it sticks with you and you can never seem to shake it. A great saying is this:

A reputation for a thousand years may depend upon the conduct of a single moment.
- Ernest Bramah

This still rings true today and will probably ring true for the rest of our lives. Most of the reputations I have of people and the reputations I have seen of others have been created by a singular event. Whether it be an act of annoyance, losing your temper or being competitive these acts create a reputation for you. When I look at my own reputation I would like to believe it is a reputation of good but I would be a idiot to believe that. 

It is a sign that your reputation is small and sinking if your own tongue must praise you.
- Matthew Hale

That will ring true also. I am not going to try and say that my reputation was created based upon nothing which is unfortunate. I am going to be writing on if it is even possible to change a reputation. I dream it is because I do not want my reputation to be the same as it was 2 years ago, a year ago or even 6 months ago. I had a good talk with a smart guy a few days ago who told me that the only way to change a reputation or how people view you is not through words, but through actions. I told him I was trying and he responded saying 'that is good' but that is still not enough and not enough people are seeing. 


Back to the point which is getting a reputation. It is an extremely easy thing to do, it only takes a matter of one action to gain a reputation that is going to stick with you for a long time. I worry sometimes that what I write on this blog will create a reputation for me, not just a reputation with people who know me already but for anyone who is reading this. To anyone who has never met me before in life, hi! 


My encouragement and challenge for anyone reading this is think about your reputation, think about the actions you are taking and what that means for your reputation. Think as you are getting a job, meeting knew people, what your first impression is going to be and what reputation will you build. My dad always tells me you can only make a first impression once. He is right. You can only make the first impression once and that first impression will last with you as a reputation, and it takes a long time to change a reputation. So make sure you make the first one count because you do not want to have to try and change you reputation. Do it right the first time.


Goodbye for now,
Christian Sawka