Well its another night for Christian Sawka here. Another night of not sleeping and sitting around listening to extremely long drawn out songs, reading and anything else in the world to try and get me to sleep. Insomnia and inability to fall asleep started around the same time my depression started. It was pretty interest I would stay up all night thinking about these few things:
- What I am going to do
- How I am going to do it
- When I am going to do it
- What can I accomplish RIGHT now
Now the scary party is usually that conversation goes through my head approximately 5 hours later then it should i.e. 1-4am in the morning. Even right now I am thinking about tomorrow what do I need to get done. Well its as simple as school homework, move out, wake up, drive my dad to the airport and go out to dinner. How I am going to do it is easy, When I am going to do it is tomorrow and what can I do RIGHT now? Well nothing, and that is the difficult part about insomnia. There is nothing that I can do right now at all. All I can do is sit here and worry about tomorrow which is unhealthy and usually unproductive sadly.
The scary part now is that I am unsure if my insomnia is either Acute or Chronic. Acute means that is will last a month to two months well chronic means it can be triggered at any point. We will see though up until I moved back home about a month ago I was waking up on time and getting through the day. Now I am finding myself needing naps at 2-3pm in the afternoon because of fatigue. Nothing like a good old four to five hour nap in the middle of the day. Even if I do not nap I still feel the same fatigue.
It is scary to know now that 30-50% have some form of insomnia that no longer are we 'alone' ha. As funny as that seems the first and scariest thing about going to counselling was the fear that I was weak or I was the ONLY person to ever go through something like this. These statements are told to you not to make you think that your not going through tough times but rather someone has gone through and gone out the other end! Sometimes I honestly sit here all night wondering em I the only person that is going through this... it is probably the toughest feeling this idea of being 'along'. As humans we are drawn to companionship someone to talk to, to hang out with and someone to help us along the road. Sadly this depression and insomnia has made it difficult as of late. Hopefully as time goes on and as I finally deal with the issues in my life that this will go away in time too.
If you take one thing away from reading is this... you are not alone, you are never alone!
*This was a message sent to me
ReplyDeleteI remember having similar feelings when I was writing papers in school. I am a very competent procrastinatior and often the night before a big paper would be due, I would be sitting in bed going through the same mental list that you would go through and always getting that sickly gut feeling that all of this should have been done hours or days ago. Lucky for me, there was always something that I could do about writting papers in the now, and by the time I graduated, I knew that my best (or at least productive) writting happened around 2 am, (usually after an hour of trying to sleep). It always kind of sucked having to wait for the gut reaction that I should have done something hours ago and I was always my lowest around paper time. And sometimes, the answer I came up with for what can I do now was nothing, and several very important papers never got written. Im just lucky that it was mostly confined to school work, which is huge load off my shoulders now that I've graduated.
Tyler