I was at Sunday Night Alive and it gave me the final push to actually write about this. For the longest time I have been super fearful about sharing this next part about my depression because it is still the most painful wound (fugitively). It was last Sunday where God laid me out and showed me that in fact I had not forgiven myself for the thoughts and actions I went though. It was probably one of the hardest days that I have had to go through where I actually felt 100% alone that there was no one to turn to, that there was absolutely no one to talk to at all. I am going to be talking about the time my depression hit its lowest point the night I came the closest to taking my life.
As I talked about in my last post about depression I mention that my thoughts had started to control my mind that I was completely unable to focus on anything else. I talked about a soccer game where I could not even play because my mind was fixated on 'stuff' as I think I put it. Well my mind that night was fixated on whether life itself was worth living. It was the scariest point of my life where I sat there hoping that someone would care, someone would talk to me and the God would even feel remotely close. Nothing happened after my soccer game I help teeter drop somethings off at the Lower Cafe Storage and then I sat there in my car in tears wonder if anyone would care if I was gone, would I even be missed and is there a point to continuing on. I believe that night I text 5-6 people and one person respond. Sadly it had been someone I had treated poorly and the level of connection was not as close as hoped but it was enough inspiration to get me home. I drove home texting, wondering and just trying to get my mind off things.
When I got home I sat there on our couch and just sat there hopeless and in many ways lifeless my mind was fixated on this discussion as to whether life was worth living. If you guys get to the point be careful do not try to be in the position I was. I sat there for what seemed like weeks time moved by so slow in actuality it was only 6 hours but I sat there for six hours debating if there was a reason to continue on and to continue on with this burden and pain. I lived in a house with 4 other guys and I was just sitting hoping one would come home and just recognize that in face something was seriously wrong. There was nothing. I sat there all night hoping and losing hope all the while. When you get to this point all you have left is hope because your logical side kicks in and for me at least justified taking my life. Let you take me through my thought process it went something like this.
What do you have to live for?
Well my friends, my family, and all the things I am involved in.
Well where are they now?
Well my friends are busy.... well my family is still there and well I could be replaced
What the the point in continuing this pain?
Well there is hope, someone will get back to me someone will care....
This was my thoughts now I know I probably should not be putting these on the Internet but that it what it was like for me to go through this debate of suicide. To this day I flinch when I hear that word or I even hear people talk about it. You have no idea how real it is until it is your life. Until you are the one going through it. Now there is a happy ending at least I mean I am still here to write about it right? Sadly there was one lower point I got to which was actually getting off the couch and going towards the kitchen. I stood there and waited, I got scared, I got nervous, and more then anything I sat there and debated more and more as to why I should. You know you have to be careful when you start debating why you should do something like this instead of why you should not. I got to close that I started to convince myself that I should just do, that I should stop being so scared and that I did not even have the guts to follow through with something.........
Some how I made the decision not to though I still do not know to this day what stopped me. I got to the point in my thinking that there was absolutely no reason to continue living anymore. I had successfully convince myself that there was not point in continuing life itself. I really hope anyone who is reading this has never felt that feeling and will never feel that feeling. It is not a place I wish upon anyone. When you lose all your hope what is actually left to carry on? When you sit there any are convince God is not there for you? that your friends do not care about you? that nothing is important enough to say around for and you lose all your hope...? What is left? I still to this day do not know but maybe for once being a little bit fearful was a bad thing. Maybe being scared of the unknown actually did scare my life. All I know is that after that day things started to get better, things started to improve. But that has so far been the lowest point in my depression and the hardest thing I have had to go through before.
ANY WAY that people are there. My challenge for you is this make sure to really ask the people around you how they are doing do not overlook stuff or pass it off as nothing you never know what could be really going on.
Goodbye for now,