Monday, January 10, 2011

Depression... Phase 2

Sorry about the delay in posts moved back into school and got a little crazy for a few days there. So I am going to talk about the second phase in my depression. This was after I first started to watch my life starting to heading down the wrong direction. As mentioned in my previous post about the crashing and the burning this would be considered the moment right before impact. Right now just for a little background into it I was trying to fix everything I had done wrong, trying to make everything right and trying to do it all by myself day after day.

This is when things went into over drive where I really started to see how deep in crap I was and I started to take one step forward and three steps back.  At this point I was being told from College Pro that I owed close to 3,000 dollars on top of whatever charges they decided I was still to owe. My parents knew nothing that was going on except the fake things are going great speech. Great right? Well even when I started to get back into Slo-week up here at TWU which means student leadership orientation week I started to lose all enjoyment I was getting out at life. Everyday I would push myself to do more and more and more and always felt like I was just messing up and ruining everyone else's life. I kept trying to make a difference like that would make everything better with me if I made a difference in someones else life I would feel better.  Sadly this did next to nothing for me except make me even more depressed. I just sat there over and over and felt like why am I doing nothing right? How come no matter what I do everything gets worse! This was my battle each day starting to questioning if I should even be where I am going or is there even a point.

Being a TWU I always have these expectations of people and that for some reason they should know that my life was going down the tubes without me telling them. I mentioned before about waiting for people to notice how I was feeling without showing any signs. But if there is anything I can tell you is that you are not the only one that has gone through this. I remember the first day I was able to share with people that I was depressed and was on anti-depressants its was this freeing feeling that I had FINALLY shared something with someone... anyone. It shocked me how many people in returned opened up with me telling me they have gone through something similar that I was not alone. Shocking eh? I was not alone in depression. Up until this point only about three people knew there was actually something going on in my life.  This was my biggest downfall because how could you expect people to be there for you also without telling them you need them.

I was always taught that life or a tough situation is only good if you learn something through it. As I battled through depression and especially when looking back on it I am starting to see the lessons I learned. Now in retrospect I would have much rather just learned from someones mistakes but that is not me. So far lets see what I've learned hmm... you have to be open for people to be open with you, depression is way more fun to go through not alone, you need to tell people your going through tough times and family is about the one thing that will hopefully always be there for you. If anyone is reading this and hopefully its more then just my mom but if your reading this and your going through some tough times take the time to tell someone. I sure as hell did not and as you will start to see more and more it does not pay off.

Anyone who knows me knows I absolutely love this place (TWU) and for the first time in my life I started to hate getting out of bed to come here. I hated opening up my computer to see what emails would be there. I hated answering my phone and listening to messages. I hated talking to people cause they never seemed to understand. The only thing I enjoyed was sitting there, waiting for time to pass and hoping that every problem I had would just go away. Sadly we live in a world where they do not just go away so as my August and September passed I sat there and waited for time to pass me bye... day after day.

Goodbye for now,

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