Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Hope (Part 1)

Hey Guys,

So as I talked about in my first post about depression and the first post I have ever written I promised that this blog would not just a negative thing that every post I was not going to write about depression that a matter of fact I was also going to talk about my battle through depression. Well this is the next step in depression I do not know how long it is going to be but it this next series is going to be the uphill battle to start fighting off depression. It is first going to sound negative because at this point (SPOILER ALERT: read my depression pages/blogs before reading this) I just hit the lowest point of my depression and life so anything from now on is going to be slightly better. First off I would like to thank anyone who gave me feedback on my last post it really has inspired me to continue to share and be open about my life and struggles.

So now onto where I was trying to go. After that day things became better but also became worse in some ways too. Lets start with where things became worse, I had lost all my motivation at this point and I know I have mentioned that before but seriously I want you to imagine this or just understand.... 

12-1am is NCIS
1am-2am in Bones
2-3am is House
3-4am in NCIS again
4-5:15am is Score morning

This was every night for me at times I had even lost the motivation to eat. As scary as that is I lost a considerable amount of weight during this depression. I lived off approximately 300$ in food for 4 months that includes eating out I would tentatively say I was eating next to nothing all the time. This is how low my motivation got it got to the point where I did have motivation to sleep or even to get out of bed to go to classes. I looked retrospectively and can only imagine what my room-mates thought when they would wake up at 8am and see me passed out on the couch almost everyday. 

My insomnia also at this point hit an extreme high or low depending on how you look at it. I had no problem staying up but the worse is when I would lay in bed for HOURS on end just trying and praying that I could get to bed. Have you ever thought about why you could not sleep? Imagine that but add it why should you sleep? what you had to do tomorrow? if it was worth doing? and then thinking why am I thinking instead of sleeping? I have this great strength and weakness in that my mind can process things extremely fast and is always working problems and situations out. 24/7 it is working to try and solve the friend situation or the conflict. But when it comes to sleep it is my biggest enemy. How do you shut your brain down if anyone has any suggestions please contact me I am almost open to anything at this point! You know your insomnia is bad when you begin to debate if it is worth getting up at watching TV for a few hours or to sit and wait for a few more and hope you fall asleep! My insomnia was getting worse at this point and had no signs of improvements.

This next part is going to be the most shocking thing in this blog today... that hardest thing about getting better for me was admitting that I was in fact depressed, telling my close friends, telling my family, and even telling my councillor was incredibly hard. The reason I think this might be shocking is because your reading this now. You are reading that I am not willing to be open but I am sharing it. It was as simple as 3 months ago I was terrified to open up anything about my life and that is the reason I am posting is to share those struggles. I was just starting to open up at this point and this was unbelievably rewarding the first time you tell your friend a secret like this it just changes you. I challenge anyone who is reading this that if you are still holding onto something personal share it! You do not need to tell the world but tell someone! It will honestly be the quickest road to improvement. Being open about my life finally has allowed me to accept my past, understand it and work though it. This was the first step of 'hope' for me that is the reason I am naming this part HOPE because honestly that was all that I had left to live for was this hope of something better a hope of change coming and hope of transformation. 

The last part is the joy of getting help ACKNOWLEDGINGHOPE. So I leave you with this if there is something you are struggling with share it with someone close to you, seek help and support through this and above all do not lose hope know that you are not alone in your struggle someone else around you is, has gone or will go through the same thing.

Goodbye for now,
Christian Sawka

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