Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Where I FAIL

My name is Christian Sawka, and maybe one thing I did not make clear in my last point was how much I struggle with saying one thing and doing another. After someone commented I realize I did not post exactly how much this is a fail of mine. No one reading this can say I am being too hard upon myself or say I should not be so hard on myself. Where I let myself down often and the people around me is that I say one thing and do a completely different thing. I am working on this I am not perfect and it takes times. I have this fear of never being good enough and do not think that I am good enough often and will lie about anything to make myself look better. I am getting better at catching myself and promising less but by no means am I a good example. There are people in my life I respect the people I respect at the people who saying what they are going to do and do it no excuses, no blame they take the responsibility. I want to become that man but I am not there yet and it will take me some time till I believe that I am there. Here is three examples of my life where I have really messed up because I over promised or did not lead by example.

RA was the first example of this we get these reviews from the guys in our dorm and all mine were solid except the biggest criticism across the bored I got was this. He does not lead by example rather he leads by just his words and his actions does not follow. I played it off as nothing in my RA year just saying well it is not that big of deal because I did not thing it was. History has shown that I am a decent talker, I am decent at selling, talking to girls and convincing people I am something I am not. Well this came up in RA when people were with me all the time and started to realize two things just did not add up, I would preach something on Thursday night and then not live it out in my own life during the week. How do you respect that man? I do not respect those people why should they respect me. I really hope for the majority of people who actually read my blog have picked up on the fact that I struggle with it. I talk about it the most about how people like that bug me, how I HATE people who do that, and how you should not be like that. It is because I am like that, I am getting better I am promising nothing I cannot accomplish and I am trying to stick too that. Often if you ask people which people bug them they will describe the qualities about themselves they do not like because those are the people we do not like, OURSELVES.

Second was my business, I was in the business of sales and they convinced me that I was the best and could do everything. Well that is not true I over promised all the time and sold stuff to people based upon this magical great painting company and business owner that was perfect. I ran a student painting franchise with student painters we are not professional painters but I stood there and told people that we were. I got into alot of trouble for over promising services, quality and my commitment. It got me into this VAST amount of trouble as any of the people that worked near me. Eventually I corrected myself by the end but by that time it was too late and I was in hot water. Do you want to know why I did that? It was because I did not think I as an owner was good enough, I did not think my company was the best company and I did not think we could offer the best value. I over compensated for the fact and tried to promise these crazy things that could not be done. I struggle with this and let me tell you I was a good forger/lier I did well for myself being dishonest but the scariest thing was I did not realize I was being dishonest this entire time. I made myself believe that in fact this was true, I was the best, I am the greatest but you know what I am not at all?

Thirdly, was going into TWUSA this year and my personal life. I went in knowing I have all these problems but I hid them I told people that I was great, I was going to do all these amazing things and change the world. But how can someone change the world when they cannot even change themselves? I was not happy with who I was so I pretend to be something more then I could ever be. I took on more then I should have while I was struggling in school. I told everyone even my teachers that I was doing GREAT! but I was not I was hating coming to school, hating getting up but I still pretended and did not lead by the example I wanted to. There would have been a lot more respect for me on TWUSA, from my friends and from the people around me if I would have just said 'I am struggling, I need help' but I was never going to do that. I was not going to be that good example that I preach about in my blogs because that person takes guts and courage. Lying is easy, telling the truth and being honest is hard. 

The great thing about life is though? You can get help, I have support and I will get more support because I realize that this is something I struggle with I believe that I am not good enough and will do anything to make people believe I am better. I am going to be running for president and I am not going to go up there and promise things I cannot change or MASSIVE unrealistic things. I am going to go up there and tell them what I am going to try and to. I am not even sure if I can accomplish them all but I am going to try my hardest. Just like my personal life and living by example I am working at trying to become the man that people respect. I may have butchered that for me at TWU because of the struggles I have faced. But that does not mean that I can use the blessing I have around me to get support, help and guidance on how to learn to do the simplest task. Which is:

"Say what your going to do and do it, promise no more and take full responsibility"
I am working on this, I am not perfect and nor do I claim to be. If anyone is reading my blog and thinks I have cockiness left or arrogance then you are for sure mistakes. I am broken like we all our and I am trying to allow God to remold my life into what he originally imagined it to be.  So for who ever posted that "maybe I should listen to your own blog" well here is your answer. I have been and will continue too. I am working everyday to eventually become the man I talk about. But I am sure as hell not there yet.

Christian Sawka

PS Ill edit this later.

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