Today I had a pretty funny experience that I would like to share with you all. Today in my Psychology class I learned about depression, anti-depressants and therapy. It was about the weirdest feelings I have ever had. I was reading the text book, listening to Doug Hampson and watching the YouTube clips he had provided. It was all extremely real to me. There was no reaction like WOW that must suck to go through like I normally have when learning about psychology. You hear about people losing parents, eating disorders, and everything like that and all you can do is sympathize. When I was reading the textbook and learning all these different techniques all I could think about was my own life. No long where these disorders or conditions on paper but I had experienced them and lived them out. It changes your opinion, Doug ask the question what would you prefer. I sat there and though what did I prefer, what did I receive, and started getting a little uncomfortable.
The reason I was uncomfortable was not because I felt bad or like crap but because of someone that was brought into our class a few weeks before. This guy went through hell, his entire life was horrible and filled with every temptations a man could face. He shared about us about when he was debating taking his own life and his own experience. I sat there is complete silence even after the class Doug mentioned that I was quiet, I shared with him later why. The reason why I was quiet and the reason I was uncomfortable today is these two ideas:
One, that even though I have had so many blessing in my life and a great life I still came to the same place as I guy who faced hell. Let me explain my life, my dad will do anything to support me, my mom loves me everyday and always will and my sister is my biggest fan. I have always been given everything I have wanted and yet still I went through a strong depression. I still got to the point of not want to live. Scary how powerful our brain is? it can create any doubt, fear or failure.
Two, that now learning about depression, therapy and ways to get help has created a bigger realism about it all. Sometimes I talk about my depression and everything like it was a distant past. As though it happened years ago. It was 5 months ago I almost killed myself, 3 months ago I was on Anti-depressants and 2 months ago I was going to counselling every week. That is not a long time ago at all. Today taught me that, that my past although it is my past was still not that long ago.
I do have to say though learning about what you went through it a great thing. I would suggest anyone who has gone through anything to learn about it, understand and figure out everything. I am going to post from now on once a week about "Learning about Depression" how to figure it out. Today made me realize that I still do not understand everything that went on. What caused me to view myself as a failure? What caused me to feel like I am not good enough? What caused me to lose all hope? I was CHALLENGED in psychology to class today that I need to understand what went on more while continuing to grow and move past it.
By the way, I love to hear what you guys think, comment, share or follow it encourages me to stay open, honest and truthful about what depression was like.
Goodbye for now,